Boundaries are like fences at the top of the cliff or like a cast around a broken arm. They keep me away from dangerous situations so I can heal by working the steps and recovery in a safe place. Boundaries and walls are used to protect something that’s precious. Sometimes I had trouble setting boundaries for myself because I didn’t think I had value.
This is how I create my boundaries. I go over all the ways I get triggered or act out and look for ways to avoid being in those situations. That list of situations is the starting point for my list of boundaries. For example, if YouTube is one way I get triggered or act out, I set a boundary like “no YouTube ever,” or “YouTube only if I’m with someone,” or “text my sponsor or another recovery group member before and after using YouTube and I have to have a specific goal rather than just surfing randomly.” If I have a problem being around girls, then I set a boundary about not being alone with girls or set a curfew for not being around girls after 10:00 or being to bed by 11:00 or something similar. If I get triggered in stores, then I can set a boundary where I need to check-in before and after going into a store. If I get triggered in the bathroom, I can set a boundary to text my sponsor before and after going in. Boundaries need to be very clear and specific, so there’s no gray area where I can rationalize and justify bending them. When I’m near a problematic situation, and my mind starts to become cloudy, I need a boundary that’s super clear that will get me to start connecting instead of isolating during difficult times.
These boundaries are usually very strict in the beginning. As I progress in recovery and as I get detoxified, I can adjust them after talking about the adjustment with my sponsor. Some boundaries just stick around forever, though, because there’s never a good reason to break them. That is discovered over time.
Once I have the list of boundaries, I share that list with my sponsor, so I have some accountability, and so I know that he knows what my boundaries are. Once those are shared and put in place, I can then adjust them every time I get triggered or act out from that point forward, improving the boundaries to keep me safe. This turns acting out or being triggered by being a “beat myself up” session into a “what did I learn” session. I usually learn that the boundaries I crossed on my way to acting out or being triggered just need to be pushed a little bit further away from the cliff. If I didn’t break any boundaries on the way to acting out or being triggered, I need to create a new boundary that would remind me to check in on the way toward that cliff.
Sometimes I will become aware that I am having a bad or vulnerable day. I have found on those days that I need to connect with my sponsor and make some adjustments to my boundaries in response to my added vulnerability. Sometimes the vulnerability is because I’ve acted out recently, or maybe I have some added stress in my personal or work life. If the vulnerability or trigger is extreme, I need to push my boundaries far away from the cliff. Like instead of just “no internet unless I check in with someone first” to “no internet at all today.” There’s always a way to adjust boundaries to keep me safe. I don’t loosen my boundaries when it’s a good day because that’s just a way to rationalize moving into more dangerous territory.
Also, I have to resist “trying harder next time.” If I break a boundary, I need to change the boundary to match me, not the other way around. My initial boundaries will keep me safe on 90% of my best days. When one of the 10% of my worst days comes along, the broken boundary will show me where I didn’t have the right boundary set up to keep me safe 99.9% of the time. Again, the way to freedom from addiction is NOT figuring out how to make my boundaries perfect so that I never have a chance to act out. That’s just being a dry drunk. The purpose of the boundaries is to create a safe place for me to work the steps, which connects me to Christ and disconnects me from addiction and dysfunction – that’s where the real healing begins.
This also has the effect of making me more aware of what’s up ahead. Blindness is part of addiction, and I need to get my sight back. Boundaries that are away from the cliff’s edges help me become more aware and allow me to use my free will while I’m still sane. Living in this mode for a while changes me to become more of a person who acts rather than being acted upon by compulsions. Also, changing the habit of isolating to connecting when I need the most help is an excellent side-effect that boundaries have on me. Or maybe it’s not a side-effect, but the main effect.
I try to read my boundaries every morning to help keep them at the forefront each day, otherwise I’ll forget them.
It’s strange because, in the beginning, I had trouble keeping my boundaries. It was as if I hadn’t ever learned to protect myself. I would do anything to keep my children from harm, but I wasn’t doing that for myself. It’s something I had to learn to do, and part of that seems to have something to do with loving myself. As I worked the program, I gradually started to love myself and then was more able to protect myself from harm that existed beyond these boundaries. I became willing to keep these boundaries – to keep myself from harm. I became one of my own “loved ones,” and only then did I actually protect myself at all costs. I never realized how much I didn’t like myself before coming into the program. But now, I can say that I like myself and am starting to love myself as a person and that love fixes a lot of things.
The most important part of this is that boundaries keep me safe while I work the steps. The real healing comes from the steps, but it’s hard to work the steps and connect with God when I’m triggered and acting out. Boundaries are crutches that let me work the steps, but it’s really easy for me to focus just on the boundaries as a way to stay sober without working the steps and healing from the inside out. This is like being a dry drunk or white-knuckling. I’ve learned that I need to keep a balance between boundaries and step work, so I don’t fall into that trap.
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