Relapses and Triggers

A relapse is when I act out the addiction.  A trigger is something that starts me down the path toward a relapse.  Before I got into recovery, relapses and triggers were opportunities for me to beat myself up and hate myself.  When I have a recovery program in place, relapses and triggers become learning opportunities.  The main things ask of myself or others after a relapse or a big trigger are:

1. What did I learn? This is a huge shift away from, “Why am I such an idiot?” It’s a lot more constructive too. Once I figure out what I learned, I can make some adjustments to dailies, boundaries, connections, etc. going forward.
2. How are my dailies doing? As explained elsewhere, if I’m full of good things through dailies, I’m not going to be searching for bad things out of starvation.
3. Which boundaries did I cross on the way to this relapse or trigger? If I didn’t cross any, then I need to set up a new boundary that I would cross on the way to it that can wake me up to what’s happening before it’s too late. Of course, these are crutches, but they do provide some safety while working the steps.
4. Am I stuck somewhere in the steps? Often, people will get stuck on the steps leading up to steps 4 or 9.  While stuck there or elsewhere, they end up sensing hopelessness because the progress has stopped and then they go back to the addiction to escape that feeling of hopelessness. The remedy for this is to get back to working the steps with their sponsor.
5. Which sources of lust did my thoughts come from?  Am I willing to sacrifice them?  When I’m triggered or end up acting out, at the beginning, there are usually some thoughts that came from some source like media, the Internet, games, just about anywhere.  As part of adjusting boundaries, I might want to sacrifice that lust source and create a boundary around it that gets rid of it entirely.  This is a form of sacrifice showing that I’m willing to give up that “god” and turn to the real God.
6. Do I need more meetings per week? I have added meetings on the day before the days I usually ended up acting out, like adding a Friday meeting just before the weekend because the weekends were more difficult for me. It worked. Connecting with others always works.
7. How is my level of connection with my sponsor and others in the group? If those connections aren’t strong, then I’m less likely to reach out during tough times.

So basically, it’s all about getting back to the basics. And if the basics are already in place even during the good times, relapses and triggers go away over time. This gives me a safe area in which I can work the steps. The steps are repentance, the Gospel of Christ broken up in steps, and that’s where the real recovery exists.

I’ve also found that my triggers can often tell me something about my wounds. For example, if I’m triggered by women who show compassion to me, it can point to not having received compassion as a child and so I might need to learn with God how to give myself compassion. I could be triggered by someone who is confident because I lack confidence and am turning to other people to fill that hole instead of working with God to get confidence of my own. I’ve found that prayer about my triggers can help God teach me about how to heal.