One of the relationship dynamics that I learned about in counseling is the drama triangle. I get into the drama triangle when I start playing one of three roles in my relationships with others or myself: the persecutor, the victim, or the rescuer. I use these roles to manipulate and coerce myself or others to get what I want.
As a persecutor, I get angry at others or myself. I attack, judge, and condemn. I use phrases with “always” or “never” in them – exaggerating to prove my point.
As a victim, I feel like everyone is out to get me, I feel alone and persecuted. I want to isolate or get pity or sympathy from others. I blame my circumstances on anything I can think of that’s out of my control.
As a rescuer, I feel like I need to save others or myself or be their hero. I swoop in a fix their problems for them. I give fish rather than teaching how to fish because this maintains my usefulness to them.
I can switch quickly from persecutor to victim to rescuer in the same conversation within seconds. For example, if my wife is accusing me of something (she’s the persecutor), then I might start feeling picked on and unrighteously judged (that’s me in victim mode, trying desperately to get her out of persecutor mode and into rescuer mode). If I can’t get her to switch to rescuer through having pity on my sorry state, then I’ll shift to persecutor mode and start attacking her by telling her that she’s too judgemental and has no sympathy. This might switch her into victim mode, or she might double down and stay in persecutor mode.
This can happen with parents and children, coworkers, or managers and employees too. For me, family drama triangles are more powerful and difficult for me than work-related ones. Though now that I’ve said that, I’m sure tomorrow will be a horrible day at work. At work, I use the drama triangle to get people to do what I want through manipulation instead of by working together in more healthy ways. With my children, it often is involved with power struggles. The applications of the dysfunctional drama triangle are truely endless.
As mentioned previously, I can also play this game with myself. I can make a bad decision and then start persecuting myself while on the receiving end of that persecution, I can feel victimized and hopeless. I can switch to denial and say it’s not that bad as an attempt to save myself from my own self-persecution. It can get pretty tangled up in there.
So how do I get out of it? I work the 12 steps on it. I first have to recognize that I’m doing it and start to detect it happening in myself and those around me. Then I need to take the next step and start surrendering the right and desire to manipulate others and myself. When I’ve been accused and want to go to victim mode, I surrender the desire to pity myself and isolate. I reach out to my sponsor or others in the program and explain the situation and where I’m wrong and what I want to surrender.
Understanding this dynamic has helped me get my relationships to be more healthy over time and that’s huge for me. A big part of my addiction is unhealthy relationships and boundaries and this is one specific way I keep those relationships manipulative, dysfunctional, and coercive. Becoming freer over the drama triangle has brought me joy, happiness, and freedom I never thought possible. It helps me stay out of denial and shame too.
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