Recently, I changed the location of the trashcan in my cubicle at work from my right side to my left side. It had been on the right side for several years. After switching it to the other side, I spent a lot of my time turning to the right to throw away the trash, realizing in frustration that the trashcan was no longer there and then turning to my left to finally throw the trash away. With time and patience, I started catching myself earlier on and only started thinking about turning to the right and finally, I now just turn to the left by habit.
As I have changed the addiction-related habits that I have developed over the years, I have had to be very patient with myself. I slowly change habits in the same way I was changing my trashcan to the other side. Beating myself up out of impatience and frustration never helped at all – it only made things worse. For example, I had developed habits of looking at people in cars as they pass on the freeway or looking around at people in public to feed lust. I acted on these habits without even being aware I was doing them most of the time. It took time, awareness, and a lot of patience with myself to slowly change these habits, but they did change as I kept working on them.
So through the 12 steps, I can change from the inside out and affect my addictions for good, and by working from the outside in on my habits and boundaries, I can change the automatic thoughts and actions that I’ve trained myself to think and do. I’ve found that I need to do both to make the most progress in recovery.
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