Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
There are many resources that go over step 4, including my favorite treatment of the topic by the infamous AA legends, Joe & Charlie, who have multiple mp3’s about step 4 and overcoming resentment. So I’m just going to share my own experiences I’ve had in my own inventory and the inventory of those I’ve sponsored.
I put off step 4 for about a year or so because I was scared of it and because it seemed so gigantic. The way I got into it was to commit to just sitting down for 30 minutes and chopping my life into a few timeframes and writing just the biggest couple of things in each timeframe. For example, birth to age 12, age 12 to 18, college years, before marriage, during my marriage, etc. It was pretty easy to do just that part to get started. Then I committed to just writing a few things each day on one of the timeframes in my life. I did this electronically in a spreadsheet because I’m a nerd, but that worked for me. As I started writing things down, it seemed to unlock parts of other related memories that I hadn’t thought of for decades. So events started gushing out more. Then it slowed down. I just kept adding things a little at a time until the flow of things slowed down to a trickle and then I moved on to step 5. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I can even revisit step 4 later in recovery when I have more clarity if needed. Don’t move on to step 5 too soon, be thorough, but don’t drag your feet either. Once it’s slowed to a trickle, move forward.
Some people chop it up by timeframes, others chop it up by people in their lives, others chop it up by their own character defects like resentment, fear, etc. Any way you do it, just be sure to get a simple summary of the event down, the character defects that were revealed in yourself, and the people you think you harmed (including yourself) in each event. The defects and people listed will help out in steps 6 & 7 and 8 & 9.
For me, step 4 is like throwing up. I’m not analyzing anything when I throw up, I’m just getting everything out. It’s not pretty. My stomach doesn’t think about which things to throw up, it just keeps going until it’s empty. Sometimes I’ve seen people focus only on addiction-related items for step 4, but I’ve found that it needs to include everything negative or unresolved from my past. I need to include my fights with my parents, my bullying of kids, my stealing, addiction-related harm to myself and others, everything. If there’s something that comes to mind and I’m not sure if I should write it down, that’s the thing I must write down because it might be my own shame or fear trying to keep it in the dark. I’m only as sick as my secrets, as the saying goes, and so the quicker I get everything out, the better my life will be. My denial, minimizing, rationalizing, compartmentalizing, etc. try to keep me from putting things on the list or try to get me to downplay them as I write them down. The faster I was at just getting everything out honestly and accurately, the faster I healed and progressed.
Once in the light, the shame, fear, and power these things have over me diminishes greatly to the point where they have no power over me and I can then help others with similar problems if the chance ever arises someday. It’s amazing how much of my day-to-day actions are driven by hiding these things or believing horrible things about myself because of these hidden things. What a refreshing thing it is to be free of them forever. I never realized how much of a burden they were until I got them out.
If I beat up the neighbor’s kid and then an hour later, that kid’s dad invites me over for dinner at their house that night, I’m not going. That’s because I’ve harmed his child and haven’t resolved it. That’s how my offenses and harms of others have distanced me from God. Step 4 is the first big step toward making all of those offenses right to the best of my ability. But don’t think about that when going through step 4, or you might scare yourself out of writing that item down. Write it down and don’t worry about making amends or consequences at all. As I got each one of these things out and eventually resolved them, I could feel myself getting closer to God. I never realized how far away I was from Him because of my unresolved offenses.
I had to be reminded to put myself on the list of people I had harmed. It’s amazing how much I had harmed myself and almost just ignored that harm.
Step 4 was only scary before I did it. It wasn’t too bad during it, though it can be shame-inducing, so I had to make sure I was connected well with my sponsor throughout the process to keep me grounded. After I was done, I felt amazing. I’m so glad all that is out and gone now. Steps 4-10 are called by many the core of the program for good reason. They attack the causes of my subconscious misery that push me toward my addiction and away from God and others. It’s the beginning of an amazing journey and it all begins with a small step toward coming out of the darkness and into the light.
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