Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
In my experience, it’s important to share my 4th step inventory with my sponsor first. This means someone who’s already been through their own 4th and 5th step and knows what it’s like to struggle with the addiction I struggle with. They are also someone who I don’t know outside of the group. This anonymity enables me to be fully open without fear of consequences. This helps me break through fear and denial to get absolutely everything out.
With that kind of person sitting in front of me as I get everything out in the open, it’s the most similar experience to sitting with Christ that I’ve experienced. Christ knows exactly how I feel and exactly how difficult this is. I feel guilty for what I’ve done, and I feel shame for who I think I am. The shame is a lie and is dispelled by bringing the shameful things into the light of the most Christlike person I can find – that’s my sponsor. Christlike in that he knows how I feel and what it’s like to be in my position and can embrace the shameful things because he’s already embraced his. It’s a powerful shame-destroying process to get all of these things into the light of another person who truly understands and to be accepted and respected by them. Rejection is what my shame promises, and acceptance destroys shame’s promises.
The best situation is to read through my 4th step inventory face-to-face in one sitting. I’ve had time or logistical constraints that have forced me to hear 5th steps in 45-minute chunks each week at the same time as our 12-step meeting in a separate room until it’s all been shared. And for a few people I’ve sponsored long-distance, listening to it over the phone in chunks can work too. It’s not optimal, but it’s better than not doing it. Face to face seems to destroy the shame most effectively and leave it no place to hide. Sometimes I’ll ask clarifying questions if I need it or if I feel like something shameful is hidden still, but generally, I’m just there to listen. I can even give a summarized 5th step of my own first to break the ice and help the other person feel more comfortable and know that I know what it’s like.
Once I’ve shared it with my sponsor, I can work with him to carefully figure out who else to share it with (Bishop, wife, etc.) and exactly how to share it after that. My sponsor, God, and I can work out the best path forward to help healing and recovery without causing further harm. Sharing serious things with the bishop is good. Sharing with a spouse can be very tricky. I want to be transparent and build trust, and crush denial, but I also don’t want to do further harm. It’s possible to share the nature of things from the past with a spouse without sharing every detail of every incident. Again, my sponsor, God, and I need to work this out.
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