Facilitating

In LDS Addiction Recovery Groups, there’s usually a facilitator at each meeting who shares first.  (In other recovery groups, they’re called co-chairs.)  They’re just like any other member of the group.  They are recovering from addiction and have worked all 12 steps and have sponsored others so that they can share their experience instead of their opinion.  They also should have a decent length of sobriety.  They make sure the sharing portion of the meeting goes smoothly and that each person gets a chance to share if they want to.  Sometimes in bigger meetings, that can mean running a timer to help people remember to finish up their share in time so that all have time to share.

In the Codependency article, I cover some of the ways a facilitator can become dysfunctional with their group by trying to save them or by trying to derive self-worth through the group’s success.  It’s also possible for a facilitator to put themselves above their group.  Doing these things slows recovery and can cause harm to self or other members of the group.  I’ve found it best to just think of myself as just a person at their recovery group who just happens to share first.

By following a simple rule, I get the most out of my sharing whether that sharing happens in a meeting as a participant or as a facilitator (a facilitator is just an experienced recovering member of the group who shares first during the meeting) or if I’m on a phone call or as a sponsor (a sponsor is someone in the group who is more experienced in recovery, who I choose to help me in my recovery). The rule is this: I share my own personal experience in first person – what did “I” do this week or during my lifetime of recovery and what was the result of “my” actions? That’s all. There are many things that this does. It keeps the “philosophies of men” and my own desire to preach, teach, save, or counsel people out of the meeting or phone call.  It’s so easy to say things like “When you read the scriptures, it makes you feel better.”  It’s so much more powerful and less preachy to say instead, “When I read my scriptures this past week, it made me feel better.”  If I’m just sharing what I did and what happened as a result, that’s pure truth and the Spirit can confirm the truthfulness of it. If I start preaching, I might end up injecting my own ideas into what’s going on – and they may be wrong and the Spirit can’t confirm that.

As a member of the group, I don’t have the authority or stewardship to suggest to someone else what he or she should do. Preaching to the group and telling them what they should do or how they should work the steps or what “we” (“we” is just “me” with a “you” hidden in it) should do is not my job. My job as a member of the group is to talk about what “I” did this week and what happened to me because of my actions – sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others.  Having worked all 12 steps is one prerequisite for becoming a facilitator perhaps for just this reason.  If I haven’t worked step 10, for example, how am I supposed to share my experience with it?  If I haven’t worked a step but must share about it, I would then have to resort to preaching about it instead of sharing my non-existent experience about it.

I really don’t know what is best for other members of the group and so telling them what they should do may even get in the way of their own progress. I try to leave the saving of others up to God – He knows what He’s doing in their lives – I don’t.  He also has stewardship over them – I don’t.

The same principle of sharing experience and not suggesting or guiding applies to facilitating a meeting or taking a phone call from someone else in the group. If someone calls me and they’re having a problem, instead of suggesting things for them to do, I just tell them of experiences I had that are similar and what I did that worked for me. If I’m facilitating a meeting, I just share my experience that I had with the step being studied (or the step I’m working on this week) and what worked for me and that’s it.

In meetings, I have found it useful to share two or three other specific pieces of information which kept me focused on what works and help keep me honest, which encourages others in the group to feel safe being honest as well. I shared my length of sobriety (which was difficult to do when I only had a day or less at every meeting I went to), which step I am currently working on, and in some meetings, I would report the number of phone calls to other members in the group I had made that week.

I also try to set an example of sharing for the same amount of time as the rest of the members of the group, though it’s difficult to do because I’m codependent and prideful.  Also, if someone gives too much detail or becomes too graphic, I interrupt them and let them know to give less detail or summarize.  That usually doesn’t happen if I’m leading by example and am focusing on the solution.  I like to follow Nephi’s example in 2 Nephi 4 where he’s honest about his weaknesses and then focuses on who he’s trusted to get him through the rough times.  If Nephi can admit he’s wretched, so can I.  And he didn’t paint a picture of his wretchedness, he just let you know that he struggles just like me.  That’s what I want to hear from others – that they struggle like I do, and that they trust in God like I want to.

I also work to set an example of not cross-talking by not sharing again at the end to correct or help or save people based on what they’ve shared.  See the codependency article above for more ideas in this area.