Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The first time I worked step 8, I did it alone.  Maybe because of my pride, fear, or shame.  It didn’t go well, because I bring all of my character defects with me into that list and I need another set of eyes on the list – my sponsor’s eyes – so that I can see clearly enough to make a good list.  This step is extremely important.  It can show me many levels of my dysfunction and help me make my relationships more healthy going forward, in addition to fixing relationships from the past.

I have people go through their 4th step inventory and pick out the names of anyone they feel they have harmed or anyone they would feel uncomfortable meeting with.  That usually means there’s something unresolved there.  Then I have them go through each name on the list and write how they harmed them.  Often, we’ll find out that they didn’t actually harm them, but that they just had resentment toward them but didn’t act on it.  So they really just harmed themselves.  For this they need to surrender their resentment by praying for the best for that person and working steps 1-3 on the resentment until it’s completely gone, which could take a few weeks.

Often there’s both resentments and harm done.  I had to surrender my resentment first as described above, and only then could I see clearly enough to figure out proper amends.

The next phase is to write down the best way to make the wrong right – the best way to make amends with them.  Again, I brought my dysfunction into this phase by trying to get something out of the amends.

Maybe I’m trying to look good or righteous in front of the person so I need to surrender that desire.  One time, I had used company property without paying for it, so I wanted to go the the CEO and hand him $20.  I really like to look righteous in front of important people, so my sponsor caught that and suggested that I donate to the candy machine fund anonymously instead.  That way I could make the wrong right without getting something out of it myself or causing more harm.

Sometimes I want to justify or rationalize myself to the person I’m apologizing to.  I’ve found that this doesn’t work at all and just makes things worse.  I need to say “I did X and that was wrong.  I’m sorry.  It will never happen again.”  And if I can make it right, “…and here’s your money back.” or whatever the amends are.  The end.  No more discussion from my side.  If the other person wants to talk more about it, that’s fine, but I’m just there to own it, apologize, and move on in life.

Sometimes I’m asking for forgiveness so I can feel more comfortable around them.  That’s not what making amends is about.  Them forgiving me is their program, not mine.  And it’s not fair for me to ask them to let go of their resentment so I can feel better.

Sometimes I want to bring up what the other person did as yet another way to justify myself.  This causes more harm and it’s not my program, it’s theirs.  I’m not running their program and taking their inventory, I’m running my program.  So this process forces me to see clearly what’s mine to own and apologize for, and what’s not mine.  This is like creating a healthy boundary between me and the other person.

Once the lists are complete, we can even role-play a few of the more difficult situations with my sponsor to get more comfortable with how they might play out and to practice not bringing up others’ wrongs, etc.

Sometimes the right way to make an amends is unclear.  The sponsor can share similar experiences (not opinion), and let the sponsee work through it with God.  Sometimes I have to surrender the amends to God and have Him bring me the answer of how to do it.  Or even bring me the person and put us both in the right situation and frame of mind to make it work for the best.

Then we can discuss whether the sponsee wants to start with some easier ones to ease into it, or dive right into the hardest ones first.  There’s no right way.  Just discuss it and pray about it to bring God into the whole thing.  God needs to be involved in every step, but since my blindness will manifest itself strongly in step 8, I need Him even more.