During the time between getting into the program and getting some serious sobriety, there was a time of self-sabotage. I just wanted to resort to my addiction and so I’d find ways to do it by crossing boundaries, neglecting my needs (like food, sleep, or scripture study) to make myself weaker, surfing the Internet for seemingly innocent things that I know might accidentally lead me to something bad, but at least it wouldn’t be my fault that I accidentally found something bad, right? Then I wouldn’t have to beat myself up quite as badly. Insanity.
These were attempts by me to resort to my addiction without feeling quite as guilty. As the part of me that wants to quit my addictions gets stronger than the part of me that wants to resort to my addictions, self-sabotage decreases. I just had to be patient and keep going to the meetings and working the steps and it got better.
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