Sobriety

Sobriety is where recovery starts. Once I’ve put my addiction down, then I can start recovering. I like the sobriety definition from Sexaholics Anonymous:

“In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.”

Sexaholics Anonymous, 191-192

I use my addiction to numb out anger, resentment, fear, and other negative feelings. I also use it to run away from the harsh realities of life. Because of this, I stop maturing as a human being. When I get sober, all these painful feelings start coming to the surface. It gets worse before it gets better. That’s why I need a support group I can connect with and a sponsor to help me find the best way through it.

People generally keep track of their sobriety date and say what it is in meetings. This serves two main purposes. First, it keeps me honest and out of denial. The sobriety definition is clear and it’s hard for me to be in denial about doing something physical. Second, if my sobriety date is recent, it reminds everyone how bad it hurts to be on the edge of this fight, which reminds them why they’re working their programs. It also brings compassion and understanding into the room. If my sobriety date is a long time in the past, that can bring hope to newcomers that they might be able to have that much sobriety.

With these benefits come difficulties too. Sometimes I can rely on my sobriety date as a crutch to stay sober. I think, “I have 89 days of sobriety – I can’t act out now or I’ll have to reset my date.” Crutches in real life can be helpful in the beginning. But if I lean on them too much, I’ll get weak. This can cause binges after initially losing sobriety – “I lost my sobriety date, which was the only thing keeping me sober, so might as well get my money’s worth while I have no sobriety date to be proud of.” So be careful.

The other side is pride. Sometimes having a good length of sobriety can make me prideful of it or make me put myself above other members of the group. This is deadly and will surely cause problems. It can also support denial – “I’ve got a lot of sobriety, so everything’s fine.” Sobriety is not recovery. Sobriety is a prerequisite for recovery. Sobriety means not acting out my addiction while recovery means making progress in healing and maturing as a human being.