Over the years in recovery with my spouse, we have had different levels of disclosure between us based on where each of us are in recovery and what we needed at the time. Sometimes we are just going along in recovery with no particular needs other than some basic transparency. Sometimes she needs to build trust with me. Sometimes, she’s overwhelmed and needs a break. I outline each kind of disclosure we have used over the years below. In each case, we discuss as a couple what we both want and need and are in agreement on which level of disclosure we both want.
Partial Disclosure
This seems to be the most common mode of disclosure we use. First, we go over the kinds of things we both think would be good for me to disclose to her. I disclose those kinds of things to her each day. An example would be, anything that has to do with physical acting out or pornography use would be disclosed to my spouse. I would then share anything beyond those things with my sponsor and group. In all cases, I work the steps on the issues – usually steps 1, 2, 3, and 10 – so I can surrender it all and make any amends that are needed. This helps my spouse know generally how I’m doing, but doesn’t overwhelm her with too much detail. If she has some level of confidence that I’m working through everything else with my sponsor, that helps her get some confidence that she doesn’t need to worry about what I’m not disclosing to her.
Full Disclosure
In rare circumstances, we would agree that I would disclose everything to her each day to build trust in my transparency and to get rid of my denial. This can be harmful to a spouse, so this is not to be done lightly, and it should probably be done with the help of a couple’s therapist. In this level, I would basically share with my wife like I do in meetings or with my sponsor. I’m not graphic in the detail, just impeccably honest about the nature of my struggles. This, ironically, can build trust in my wife toward me around my ability to be honest and helps eliminate my shame. I am proving to her that I’m not going to hide anything from her and that I’m willing to get everything completely out. I was in a lot of denial throughout my addiction, so in this case, it is important to do the exact opposite of hiding and minimizing everything.
This is extremely difficult for both of us though. For her, it triggers her codependency and pulls her into my addiction, which can be dangerous. And for me, it can be a crutch so that I end up acting better than I actually am so I can look good to her when I check in at the end of the day. If the trust gained and the shame destroyed outweighs the codependency and other problems, then we sometimes have chosen this to our benefit.
Minimal Disclosure
This is like partial disclosure, but with even less being shared. When my wife is completely overwhelmed with codependency and I’m using my disclosures to her as huge crutches to where I’m trying to act perfect so I can look good to her, sometimes we take a break and not disclose anything but the most extreme problems I might have. This can give her a break from codependency, but it can also foment some fear. It can also take away the crutches I’ve been using so now that I know I don’t have to check in with her, I end up not being as careful and my recovery can get a bit rough. This added strain can cause problems, or it can cause strength and help me exercise my freedom by myself. It can also start me down a path of denial. It’s a delicate balance and it’s as complex as our relationship, which is always changing.
Talking about the real problems
In all this, I need to remember that lust and everything that goes along with it isn’t the real problem here! Lust is a tool I’ve trained myself to use when I’m trying to cover painful problems in my life. The real problems are feeling fear, stress, anxiety, a lack of self-worth, feeling incapable, lonely, unloved, etc.
These are the things that are addressed by the Atonement and these are the things I should be talking about with my wife, sponsor, group, or close friends way before any lust enters the picture. When I face these difficult realities by talking to others about them, I bring them into the light and process them so that I don’t need to escape from them with lust or any other drug or false god. Catching things earlier is always the best plan and it can create a lot of emotional intimacy. It gives us plenty of opportunities to support and serve each other in our difficulties and pain.
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