Here are two things I have learned over the years that have helped my marriage a lot.
Validate her feelings
Often, I will expect my wife to change immediately instead of taking some time to change. So, sometimes, she might accuse me of something or get upset with me for something when I feel like I’m doing so much better than I was in the past. I have learned that validating her feelings about me instead of trying to defend myself makes such situations turn out a much better, and it’s actually a lot more honest.
The logic goes like this: My past actions trained her to distrust me, so it makes sense she doesn’t trust me now, regardless of my current guilt or innocence. In this case, I might say, “It makes sense that you feel that way now because of how I’ve acted in the past and how I’ve lied about it.” That’s hard to say, but it’s more accurate and builds a bridge of trust and awareness.
Asking, “What can I do to help you feel more safe,” is another great way to take some positive steps forward. I wish I were better at this one.
And because of all the Denial and Gaslighting I have done, a lot of the time, I’m wrong about the present, being blinded by my denial and shame. So, telling the truth about the past and validating my wife (and kids, coworkers, and everyone) sets a good stage to dig into the present with a little more humility and less defensiveness and denial.
The brains and hearts of our spouses, like those of everyone else, are often deeply affected by past injuries. In an effort to avoid further pain, they cling to unresolved hurts from the past, and harbor fears about present and future pain. Witnessing the ongoing impact of the harm I’ve caused — past, present, and future — can be overwhelming at times. Surrendering and actively participating in the program is the path toward healing.
Apologize for what I did in her dreams
Sometimes my wife will have a dream about me doing horrible things even when I feel like I’m doing good, and it feels like going back to the past again and getting punished all over again. This is a very similar situation. My past actions trained her not to trust me. That’s likely where her dreams came from. I’m not directly responsible for what I did in her dreams because that’s not me, but I am responsible for training her mind to think that way about me based on my actions in the past. So I can say, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things in the past that have hurt you and caused you not to trust me. That’s probably where this dream came from. What can I do to help you feel more safe?”
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