A personal story about a home repair dispute that became an unexpected lesson in boundaries, codependency, and not abandoning myself when my needs met resistance. I reflect on the drama triangle, over-explaining, and how learning to pause and stay grounded led to a better outcome.
I want to write about a recent situation that looked like a simple home repair issue, but turned into a very clear lesson for me about boundaries, codependency, and what happens inside me when my needs meet resistance.
This wasn’t about someone being right or wrong. It was about how quickly I lose my internal footing when conflict shows up, and how practicing healthier boundaries changed that experience.
Continue reading “Learning Healthy Boundaries Without Abandoning Myself”Here are two things I have learned over the years that have helped my marriage a lot.
Often, I will expect my wife to change immediately instead of taking some time to change. So, sometimes, she might accuse me of something or get upset with me for something when I feel like I’m doing so much better than I was in the past. I have learned that validating her feelings about me instead of trying to defend myself makes such situations turn out a much better, and it’s actually a lot more honest.
The logic goes like this: My past actions trained her to distrust me, so it makes sense she doesn’t trust me now, regardless of my current guilt or innocence. In this case, I might say, “It makes sense that you feel that way now because of how I’ve acted in the past and how I’ve lied about it.” That’s hard to say, but it’s more accurate and builds a bridge of trust and awareness.
Asking, “What can I do to help you feel more safe,” is another great way to take some positive steps forward. I wish I were better at this one.
And because of all the Denial and Gaslighting I have done, a lot of the time, I’m wrong about the present, being blinded by my denial and shame. So, telling the truth about the past and validating my wife (and kids, coworkers, and everyone) sets a good stage to dig into the present with a little more humility and less defensiveness and denial.
The brains and hearts of our spouses, like those of everyone else, are often deeply affected by past injuries. In an effort to avoid further pain, they cling to unresolved hurts from the past, and harbor fears about present and future pain. Witnessing the ongoing impact of the harm I’ve caused — past, present, and future — can be overwhelming at times. Surrendering and actively participating in the program is the path toward healing.
Sometimes my wife will have a dream about me doing horrible things even when I feel like I’m doing good, and it feels like going back to the past again and getting punished all over again. This is a very similar situation. My past actions trained her not to trust me. That’s likely where her dreams came from. I’m not directly responsible for what I did in her dreams because that’s not me, but I am responsible for training her mind to think that way about me based on my actions in the past. So I can say, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things in the past that have hurt you and caused you not to trust me. That’s probably where this dream came from. What can I do to help you feel more safe?”
Whenever I, or someone I’m talking to in recovery, goes through a rough time or acts out, I ask, “What did you learn?”
I got this idea from a near-death experience book where someone had compiled several of these stories and pulled out the commonalities. One of the things they all had in common was a point in their experience where they met someone full of love toward them, so powerful that they could feel it. That person showed them a review of their life. They paused at crucial moments in their life; the good, the bad, and the shameful. The people expected correction or condemnation for the bad parts. Instead, for every single event, the loving person asked, “What did you learn?” The people realized that each event was a carefully crafted lesson by their Creator to help them learn a lesson.
This concept blew me away and changed my perception of God. I’ve tried to do the same for myself and others. So, every time I have a hard time, or if I’m talking to others having hard times of any kind, I ask, “What did you learn?” It changes everything. Shame and self-hatred turn into curiosity and discovering ways to navigate life more effectively.
Often the learning is about how well I’m doing my dailies or how connected I am with others in significant ways. Frequently it’s about boundaries and making adjustments to them. It can also be about working the steps and getting unstuck. It lifts me back up and helps me get back on the path, but because of this new learning, it’s a better path for me or others I’m sponsoring or just others in the group or outside the group.
Now there’s a good question! In the Alcoholics Anonymous book, there are entire chapters dedicated to this question. Some will say, “you don’t need God to recover from alcohol addiction”. Others say “without a doubt, you do need God to recover”. But most say, “you don’t necessarily need ‘God’ to recover but you do need ‘a power greater than oneself’ or a ‘higher power’ in order to truly recover”.
I wholeheartedly agree that one needs a “higher power” in order to truly recover. For me this “higher power” is God. For others I know, their “higher power” is their collective 12-Step support group.
So, the main question I have for you is this: Is your current relationship with your “higher power” strong enough to help you recover from your addiction to pornography, lust, and sex?
I am a Christian, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to be precise. Yet even with my upbringing and belief that God is my Father and Christ is my Savior, this belief alone was not enough to “cure” me of my pornography addiction. I was a church-going, returned missionary who could not piece together 24 hours of true sobriety! Why?
Because I was not tapping into true connection with my higher power.
Two thoughts on this. First, connection with others I often find helps with my connection with my higher power. Coming out of isolation and connection with others is crucial to connecting with God. Attending 12 Step Meetings is a great way to connect in an honest genuine way with others. Breaking out of addiction is also a course in breaking out of isolation – isolation from others and ones’ higher power.
Second, specifically relating to communication with my higher power, I used to pray selfish prayers or pitiful “help me” prayers, if I prayed at all. I sometimes felt love from God, but my relationship with Him was focused on my desires and my will. I rarely opened up in a sincere way about my feelings, emotions, problems, sorrows, and true fears. I had no concept of surrendering my will or my life over to the care of my higher power. Now in recovery, I have learned to surrender to Him. I gratefully have a two-way connection with a God who is real and who wants the best for me, and who can truly heal me. I now trust Him, and I seek His wisdom and power instead of my own. So back to the original question: do I need God to recover? Yes, I do. Do you need God to recover? Yes, you do, but the God of your understanding will suffice. I promise if you pursue a journey into the 12 Steps for recovery from your sexual addiction that you will find a power higher and greater than yourself. Click here to find a list of 12 Step program options. Maybe I’ll see you there at one of them someday!
Some big questions you probably have as you’ve spent time on this blog are:
“Why Recover?”
“Is pornography even that big of a deal?”
“Why am I reading this blog when I could be getting high on my lust drug?”
The big answers are: It is a big deal! It is a dangerous and harmful drug! It is an addiction, and this is why you should seek recovery. It is almost impossible to stop this destructive habit unless you get serious help.
Pornography is addictive. I know, I was there. I was so addicted that I would make up excuses to go on business trips just so I could act out. I committed to myself over and over and over again that I would quit watching that stuff, and I continued to break that commitment over and over and over again. I would lie and hide. Despite being active in my church, despite being a husband and a father, despite knowing it was bad for me—I could not quit on my own in secret.
Pornography is a lie. It’s 100% lust and 0% love. It’s as unhealthy as cocaine, arguably worse. It drives disconnection and ruins self-esteem. Clicking “views,” even on free sites, feeds a multi-billion-dollar industry that abuses women, victimizes children, and treats all humans like objects. It is a slave industry where sadly, many of the participants and purchasers are willing slaves. Pornography “kills” us. It nearly killed me, my wife, and my marriage.
Pornography is a trap. If you are reading this post, it is likely because you feel something, something way deep down that tells you, “Yes, this is right. I have a problem, I’m in a trap”. Perhaps you are thinking you only have a “small problem” and that at least you are not acting out with real people. I used to think that as well. From where you are, it’s hard to realize that you are in a deadly trap and that you DO have an addiction.
Pornography is evil, morally wrong, and degrading to society. When I would view pornography in my past, I remember looking for the “good stuff.” What that really meant is that I was looking for something that would take me beyond the bounds of what I had already seen and would stimulate my brain in a way that it hadn’t before. I was slowly sliding deeper and deeper, darker and darker. The “good stuff” was actually extremely dark, very unreal, and nothing else can describe it but “horribly bad stuff.” Pornography makes us think good is bad, and bad is good.
Please get help. Get help now! Continue reading more of the excellent posts in the More Freedom Blog. Scrape together even a spark of desire to break free from this trap, and you will find it, step by step. I PROMISE you will feel more fulfillment, true love, connection, peace, happiness, and joy in your life without pornography! Recovery is the answer! I know, I am experiencing it.
My name is Thomas, and I am a sex addict in recovery. My addiction started when I was 8 years old. Despite being raised by awesome parents who taught me that pornography was wrong, I still fell into its trap. At a young age, I participated in professional stage productions where I found and sought out pornographic images hidden around backstage. For the next several years, as I continued to be involved in these productions, I knew where all the images were hidden and would view them regularly. By age 12, I was acting out physically with others, which was directly related to the images seared in my mind. Before I even reached my teenage years, I was already treating girls and women as objects to satisfy my lustful, selfish desires.
In my youth, I began to master a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde lifestyle. A “good” son, brother, and “religious” boy by day — but a selfish, pleasure-seeker by night. I kept up this “good-man-bad-man” dynamic for 30 years, which included trying to keep a façade throughout my 16 years of marriage. The more I was rotting on the inside, the more I would attempt grand and showy outward behaviors to hide my true self.
One night in our 16th year of marriage, my wife finally got the courage to confront me. She said that she could feel that I didn’t love her, that my behaviors had ruined her, and that she was “done.” She said she was going to take the kids and move in with her parents. “You can have the house. I can’t live this lie anymore,” she said. In that desperate moment, I felt a strong inner voice tell me: “Tell her the truth now, or you will lose her.” My wife felt and saw many symptoms of my addiction, but she did not know that I, in fact, did have an addiction. There were so many secrets I had kept from her.
I didn’t want to lose her, so I decided to “come clean.” I started to tell her facts she had never heard before, going all the way back to the time when I was 8 years old. She was so hurt, betrayed, and devasted that she picked up the alarm clock off the bedside table and threw it against the wall. I was terrified. The truth was coming out, and I was on the verge of losing my wife, my children, my church standing, and even my career. This was my rock bottom. This is what rock bottom is – when “the pain of the solution is less than the pain of the problem” (White Book, pg. 27).
Within a few days, both of us met with our church leader. This wise man directed us to the Addiction Recovery 12-Step program offered by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had a lot of fear walking into my first meeting. But the second time I went, I felt strongly that this was exactly where I was supposed to be and that I truly belonged there. Each 12 Step principle hit me like a lightning bolt. I learned and progressed step by step and began to find true recovery. The recovery process for my addictive behaviors happened in phases, just like it does for drug or alcohol addicts.
I am grateful for the true happiness and peace that I’ve found during my 5 years of sobriety and recovery. The journey has been difficult — but also wonderful — for my wife and me. We share our recovery process in our book Dark to Light: My Recovery from Pornography and Lust which explains specific ways that we have found healing, focusing on 12 Step principles.
My life has never been better than during the last 5 years of my recovery. I am a new man with a new heart. Change is real and possible. True connection with my God, my Savior, and my wife has replaced my old disconnection, discord, and disobedience. Light and truth have truly replaced the darkness of my past.
I once had the opportunity to be Foreman for a federal court case. It was about drug creation and distribution. There were several defendants including a fairly young couple with three small children and a man who was well into his sixties. It was made abundantly clear to use by the defense that if we found these people guilty then we’d be condemning children to grow up without parents and a man to die in prison. We had to find them guilty though due to the evidence. It was horrific. What had started out as something exciting and interesting as reality television had become a tragedy.
I went home that night and as I prayed I felt inspired to pray for forgetfulness and then to be more specific and pray for the Spirit of Forgetfulness to take away the painful memoires of faces, names, and the situation. After about three days of doing this, I noticed it began to work. To this day, I can not remember the names of the people and barely remember the faces of the parents but not the children.
This leads me to suggest this is something to consider when we repent of some of the awful things we did under our addictions. The inappropriate relationships, the actions, the words we used, and so forth can bubble up in our memories at bad times. I have prayed for the Spirit of Forgetfulness and it is slowly, slowly working. I don’t remember the names of the people I should forget. Sometimes, like picking at a scab, my brain will nitpick at it until a name does pop up or a situation but then I just turn back to prayer and pray to forget.
Somethings we need to remember to keep from doing them again but I think there are many things we shouldn’t remember so we be better about surrendering those things that could trigger our addictions. Ignorance is bliss is an often used phrase but I’d change that to forgetfulness is peace in this instance. While this kind of prayer is one way to let go of something bad, we should also remember to make sure it is surrendered as well so it does not linger within us.
Some people have asked me lately how to keep temptation away or how to change habits. In Addiction Recovery there is a lot of talk about triggers, patterns, and things of that nature. I’ve found it is better for me when I keep it simple. I look the other way. It comes in three degrees or categories: physical, mental, and spiritual.
Physically looking the other way is the easiest to start practicing but hardest to keep doing correctly. Addicts have excellent radar for seeing things that will tempt them and bring them enjoyment. We’ve been doing it for years and know when something comes up whether or not to turn our head or keep an eye out. What I propose is when that pops on your radar is you purposefully and physically turn your head the other way. It feels a little weird at first but it works. Keep doing it and slowly it becomes a habit.
Mentally is much harder because our minds can move so quickly and so covertly that it’s hard to keep a handle on them. Just like in the physical example, if you feel your mind turning to something that will trigger it or start the steps in a pattern of addiction then you force your mind to look the other way. It helps to already have something to look to like a favorite scripture or poem or song. Plan ahead with what you will turn to mentally and have it ready for when, not if, you’ll need to look the other way at it.
Spiritually is perhaps hardest of all; however, I found that if you are working hard on the first two degrees or categories then it becomes easier to spiritually turn away. It is tied in closely to the mental category. Where our minds go so do our spirits, but we need to actively want our spirits to follow. I would also equate this with a change of heart or becoming a different person. To spiritually look the other way, I need to have chosen something good or righteous to focus on in place of unrighteous thoughts. Mentally we can count prime numbers or remember quotes from Shakespeare to distract our thoughts. Spiritually we need something uplifting to the soul to move us to a better spiritual plane.
Lastly, as is always true, it is important to surrender whatever it was we were looking away from and make sure it isn’t crammed down into our self-conscious to be used later. Surrender it to God and let Him take it from you so it is gone before it can do any harm.
It takes time, practice, and patience. Like anything worthwhile, it isn’t easy and expect to make mistakes and slip up. I still sometimes don’t look the other way as much as I should, but I just recognize it and recommit to trying even harder the next time. It sounds simplistic but by simple things are great things accomplished.
I can’t remember where I learned this, but it’s been extremely helpful to me and others in addiction recovery. A lot of it probably came from the ideas that Joe and Charlie cover in their step 4 mp3’s (there are 7-8 mp3’s there, I linked just to the first one), which I highly recommend. They discuss resentment and how we tend to use resentment to cover our own defects by focusing on others’ defects.
Continue reading “The Lies That Are Hidden In My Anger and Resentment”There’s a mode that I get into where I’m searching for something. I’m usually feeling bad or fearful or stressed and I begin to search for something to help me feel better or stop feeling these negative things. I could be searching for apps for my phone, games to play, news to read, food to eat, lustful content, images of people in public or media, or just about anything. I call this search mode.
Continue reading “Search Mode”
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