I once thought that lust was just a normal appetite and, therefore, once I got married, the addiction would be satisfied and go away. I learned, mainly through the experience of others I have met in the 12-Step groups, that this is a false assumption. Most addicts I have talked to end up returning to these addictions within a few weeks or months of getting married.
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Pray for Each Other
Praying for other members of my recovery group individually by name gets me out of my selfishness and adds strength to the other members and builds unity. I can pray for them to have a good day, to have more faith, to get to the meetings, to work the program, etc.
If the things I do to my brothers are the things I am doing to God (Matt 25:40), then perhaps praying for others is even better than just praying to God about things I need or want.
Being “Healed of This Addiction”
Many times, I (and others I have listened to) say that they want to be “healed of this addiction.” What I meant by that is that I wanted to never be tempted again. I’ve learned that’s not how it works. I was not “healed” from ever being tempted by these addictions again. That would be contrary to God’s plan of agency – it would be Satan’s plan. The healing I have seen in myself happens at a much deeper level than the addiction and so the need for the addiction as a painkiller becomes diminished.
At the same time, my faith in Christ increases so that I want Him and His peace more than I want the false relief of the addiction. Before, I couldn’t choose to resort to my addiction or not. Now I can choose to resort to my addiction or not. I can choose!
I don’t want my agency to be “healed” or taken away from me. I want my defects to be healed and I want to increase my faith so that I can increasingly exercise my agency to choose to walk away from these addictions in peace. This has happened to me to varying degrees in recovery. Of course, since I still have agency, I must maintain the humility and faith necessary to remain free so that I can continue to walk away from addiction and sin. I want to choose.
Self-Sabbotage
During the time between getting into the program and getting some serious sobriety, there was a time of self-sabotage. I just wanted to resort to my addiction and so I’d find ways to do it by crossing boundaries, neglecting my needs (like food, sleep, or scripture study) to make myself weaker, surfing the Internet for seemingly innocent things that I know might accidentally lead me to something bad, but at least it wouldn’t be my fault that I accidentally found something bad, right? Then I wouldn’t have to beat myself up quite as badly. Insanity.
These were attempts by me to resort to my addiction without feeling quite as guilty. As the part of me that wants to quit my addictions gets stronger than the part of me that wants to resort to my addictions, self-sabotage decreases. I just had to be patient and keep going to the meetings and working the steps and it got better.
One Day at a Time
This general concept deals with breaking things into manageable pieces as well as living in the “now” instead of the past or future. I don’t sabotage myself with thoughts of how I’m going to stay sober for the rest of my life – just for the rest of this minute, hour, or day. I don’t beat myself up because of the past. I learn from it and apply those lessons to this minute or this hour and use it to help others. Living life one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time helps me to not become overwhelmed. This has been very important for me during recovery.
It Got Worse Before It Got Better
When I stopped acting out and lusting, things got worse! What? I thought things would get better when I stopped acting out – why are things getting worse? I learned that I had been using these addictions to escape and numb out the stress, anger, and other negative feelings I was experiencing. For example, if I were feeling depressed or unloved or worthless, I’d resort to my addiction to cover those feelings instead of facing them head on and working through them. Because I rarely faced these difficulties, I never really matured as a person. I was 32 years old on the outside but was still 12 years old emotionally.
So, when I stopped acting out my addictions, these unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, fear, depression, etc. that had built up throughout my life came bursting out. Most times, this convinced me to run back to the addiction.
This is one reason why support from a recovery group and from a sponsor is so essential. Don’t worry, it does get better after the hard times and it’s a bit of a roller-coaster over time, so don’t get discouraged, and never, never, never give up!
Addiction Switching
I have found that I can switch between addictions quite easily. Some people switch between abusing drugs and using pornography. Some switch to video games. Books, hard music, caffeine, materialism, and junk food are also very common things to switch to for comfort, numbing, or escape from the pains of reality. I have done it and I know others who have as well.
Other more emotional addictions I can switch to are resentment, fear, codependency, aspiring to or fantasizing about high callings in the church, etc. I have found that as I turn to these various addictions instead of turning to Christ for comfort, it’s as though I am putting other Gods – the Gods of addiction – before Him. That’s idolatry. That doesn’t work for me. Resorting to any of these addictions halts or slows my progression. I have to surrender any and all of my addictions to make progress, because it’s not about the addictions, it’s about me hiding from the shame and pain of reality.
Good Music to Support Recovery
I have found good music to be very helpful in fulfilling some of my spiritual needs. “Good music” means music that helps me to feel the Spirit instead of music that pounds my spirit numb. I used to use music to numb myself in the same way I can use pornography or substances to numb myself. Good music has become a way to re-sensitize myself and help me to be more sensitive to the Spirit’s gentle promptings.
My addictions harden my heart and prevent me from feeling anything at all, much less the Spirit. So calm, relaxing music has become an important part of me learning how to feel anything again.
Healthy Connections
Before recovery, almost all my connections with women were lustful and dysfunctional. When I got into recovery, I started disconnecting in those lustful ways from women – largely through surrendering lust and through avoiding people and places. A few years later, I started to feel a sadness about being isolated away from half of the people around me because of my fears and triggers. A counselor I was seeing at the time suggested that I try connecting in a healthy way by saying “hi” and getting to know people just as I would a man or someone I wasn’t triggered by. It is important that I point out that I could not do this earlier in my recovery or these attempted connections would have gone back to being lust-based.
Amazingly, when I said “hi,” the lust disappeared and the anxiety left me as well. To those to whom I couldn’t say “hi” or that it wouldn’t be appropriate to say “hi”, I would think about going up to them in my mind and tell them “I just objectified you and I’m sorry for that, I hope you have a good day today” without them saying anything back (in my mind) and that helped me as well. That felt a little strange to do, but it kept me honest and helped me be aware of what I was doing.
Again, I could not do this before a few years into physical sobriety from the addiction, but now I see that through positive healthy simple connections, I can have freedom from the anxiety and temptations that up to that point I just had to wait around for and then let go of when they came along. It takes a lot of time and complete honesty. Again, this progression took years and had to be taken in the right order and at the right time, but with each step, I found more freedom and happiness. Years of addiction had really messed me up and it takes a while for God (with my help) to untangle that mess. I don’t know if I’ll ever run out of things for God to untangle, but that’s OK, because at each stage, from the first moment I stepped into a recovery group, I have had more and more freedom, hope, happiness, and motivation to keep going.
Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I just had the best piece of cheesecake I’ve ever tasted in my life. I just have to tell those I love most about it because I want them to experience it too. It’s my gift to them to share good things I’ve found in my own life. So it is with the Gospel of Christ. So it is with the results of applying that Gospel to my own life to free me from the hellish compulsive addictive nightmare I used to endure daily. How could I keep that to myself? If I love God, I love others, and I want the best for them. So I share.
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