A personal story about a home repair dispute that became an unexpected lesson in boundaries, codependency, and not abandoning myself when my needs met resistance. I reflect on the drama triangle, over-explaining, and how learning to pause and stay grounded led to a better outcome.
I want to write about a recent situation that looked like a simple home repair issue, but turned into a very clear lesson for me about boundaries, codependency, and what happens inside me when my needs meet resistance.
This wasn’t about someone being right or wrong. It was about how quickly I lose my internal footing when conflict shows up, and how practicing healthier boundaries changed that experience.
Continue reading “Learning Healthy Boundaries Without Abandoning Myself”Here are two things I have learned over the years that have helped my marriage a lot.
Often, I will expect my wife to change immediately instead of taking some time to change. So, sometimes, she might accuse me of something or get upset with me for something when I feel like I’m doing so much better than I was in the past. I have learned that validating her feelings about me instead of trying to defend myself makes such situations turn out a much better, and it’s actually a lot more honest.
The logic goes like this: My past actions trained her to distrust me, so it makes sense she doesn’t trust me now, regardless of my current guilt or innocence. In this case, I might say, “It makes sense that you feel that way now because of how I’ve acted in the past and how I’ve lied about it.” That’s hard to say, but it’s more accurate and builds a bridge of trust and awareness.
Asking, “What can I do to help you feel more safe,” is another great way to take some positive steps forward. I wish I were better at this one.
And because of all the Denial and Gaslighting I have done, a lot of the time, I’m wrong about the present, being blinded by my denial and shame. So, telling the truth about the past and validating my wife (and kids, coworkers, and everyone) sets a good stage to dig into the present with a little more humility and less defensiveness and denial.
The brains and hearts of our spouses, like those of everyone else, are often deeply affected by past injuries. In an effort to avoid further pain, they cling to unresolved hurts from the past, and harbor fears about present and future pain. Witnessing the ongoing impact of the harm I’ve caused — past, present, and future — can be overwhelming at times. Surrendering and actively participating in the program is the path toward healing.
Sometimes my wife will have a dream about me doing horrible things even when I feel like I’m doing good, and it feels like going back to the past again and getting punished all over again. This is a very similar situation. My past actions trained her not to trust me. That’s likely where her dreams came from. I’m not directly responsible for what I did in her dreams because that’s not me, but I am responsible for training her mind to think that way about me based on my actions in the past. So I can say, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things in the past that have hurt you and caused you not to trust me. That’s probably where this dream came from. What can I do to help you feel more safe?”
Whenever I, or someone I’m talking to in recovery, goes through a rough time or acts out, I ask, “What did you learn?”
I got this idea from a near-death experience book where someone had compiled several of these stories and pulled out the commonalities. One of the things they all had in common was a point in their experience where they met someone full of love toward them, so powerful that they could feel it. That person showed them a review of their life. They paused at crucial moments in their life; the good, the bad, and the shameful. The people expected correction or condemnation for the bad parts. Instead, for every single event, the loving person asked, “What did you learn?” The people realized that each event was a carefully crafted lesson by their Creator to help them learn a lesson.
This concept blew me away and changed my perception of God. I’ve tried to do the same for myself and others. So, every time I have a hard time, or if I’m talking to others having hard times of any kind, I ask, “What did you learn?” It changes everything. Shame and self-hatred turn into curiosity and discovering ways to navigate life more effectively.
Often the learning is about how well I’m doing my dailies or how connected I am with others in significant ways. Frequently it’s about boundaries and making adjustments to them. It can also be about working the steps and getting unstuck. It lifts me back up and helps me get back on the path, but because of this new learning, it’s a better path for me or others I’m sponsoring or just others in the group or outside the group.
I can’t remember where I learned this, but it’s been extremely helpful to me and others in addiction recovery. A lot of it probably came from the ideas that Joe and Charlie cover in their step 4 mp3’s (there are 7-8 mp3’s there, I linked just to the first one), which I highly recommend. They discuss resentment and how we tend to use resentment to cover our own defects by focusing on others’ defects.
Continue reading “The Lies That Are Hidden In My Anger and Resentment”There’s a mode that I get into where I’m searching for something. I’m usually feeling bad or fearful or stressed and I begin to search for something to help me feel better or stop feeling these negative things. I could be searching for apps for my phone, games to play, news to read, food to eat, lustful content, images of people in public or media, or just about anything. I call this search mode.
Continue reading “Search Mode”An important side-effect of indulging in my addictions for 20 years was that my maturity was way behind where it should have been. I got married at age 32, but inside, I was really still 12 years old. My poor wife and stepdaughters! All those years I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone, but I was hurting them in the future.
Continue reading “Running From Reality”Over the years in recovery with my spouse, we have had different levels of disclosure between us based on where each of us are in recovery and what we needed at the time. Sometimes we are just going along in recovery with no particular needs other than some basic transparency. Sometimes she needs to build trust with me. Sometimes, she’s overwhelmed and needs a break. I outline each kind of disclosure we have used over the years below. In each case, we discuss as a couple what we both want and need and are in agreement on which level of disclosure we both want.
Continue reading “Connection with a spouse”Sobriety is where recovery starts. Once I’ve put my addiction down, then I can start recovering. I like the sobriety definition from Sexaholics Anonymous:
Continue reading “Sobriety”“In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.”
Sexaholics Anonymous, 191-192
Below is an outline of the basics of my recovery program. Most of it I’ve learned from books or other people in recovery, but I’ve lived it and made it mine now. Each link will take you to a list of blog posts that have something to do with that topic so you can dig into any of the topics you want to.
When I am working with someone new to recovery as their sponsor, I tell them to get the basics (listed below under “The Basics” in place first, then start working the 12 steps, and then everything else will fall into place.
My addiction to pornography, lust, and masturbation started when I was about 12 years old. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, so I continued to use these things to escape from depression and loneliness (though I didn’t know it at the time) and to cover up the things I didn’t like feeling. Around age 16, I started drinking alcohol with my friends as well.
I graduated high school and left home to go to college 600 miles away. Free at last! I partied with my new-found friends. My sexual addictions were always there in their various forms, but I kept them very private because I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself and others. They progressed to sex with others, strip clubs and more. It seemed there was no limit to where I would allow my addictions to take me. I isolated from friends at church and eventually stopped going to church completely. I was often around large groups of people, but I felt completely alone. I was nearing rock bottom and would consistently use lust and alcohol to numb my pains and escape from the realities of life.
Continue reading “A Lifetime of Addictions”
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