Author: Thomas Doubting

I have been addicted to pornography, lying, controlling others, and assorted other things that go with all that. I've been addicted to most of those for over 47 years. It has only been through God's love, my wifes willingness to forgive and support me, and the that I have been able to get a handle and begin recovery. In my opinion, this form of addiction is a lifetime thing and it only goes into remission like a chronic disease. My remission time is the same as my sobriety time to me. I have used my powers of writing for bad things in the past and look forward to using them for good now. I am very appreciative of RCRONK for giving me this opportunity! I chose the name of Thomas Doubting because I tend to be skeptical and questioning of things. I'd like to believe I'm really not that doubtful but experience has shown me otherwise.

The Spirit of Forgetfulness

I once had the opportunity to be Foreman for a federal court case. It was about drug creation and distribution. There were several defendants including a fairly young couple with three small children and a man who was well into his sixties. It was made abundantly clear to use by the defense that if we found these people guilty then we’d be condemning children to grow up without parents and a man to die in prison. We had to find them guilty though due to the evidence. It was horrific. What had started out as something exciting and interesting as reality television had become a tragedy.

I went home that night and as I prayed I felt inspired to pray for forgetfulness and then to be more specific and pray for the Spirit of Forgetfulness to take away the painful memoires of faces, names, and the situation. After about three days of doing this, I noticed it began to work. To this day, I can not remember the names of the people and barely remember the faces of the parents but not the children.

This leads me to suggest this is something to consider when we repent of some of the awful things we did under our addictions. The inappropriate relationships, the actions, the words we used, and so forth can bubble up in our memories at bad times. I have prayed for the Spirit of Forgetfulness and it is slowly, slowly working. I don’t remember the names of the people I should forget. Sometimes, like picking at a scab, my brain will nitpick at it until a name does pop up or a situation but then I just turn back to prayer and pray to forget.

Somethings we need to remember to keep from doing them again but I think there are many things we shouldn’t remember so we be better about surrendering those things that could trigger our addictions. Ignorance is bliss is an often used phrase but I’d change that to forgetfulness is peace in this instance. While this kind of prayer is one way to let go of something bad, we should also remember to make sure it is surrendered as well so it does not linger within us.

Looking the Other Way

Some people have asked me lately how to keep temptation away or how to change habits. In Addiction Recovery there is a lot of talk about triggers, patterns, and things of that nature. I’ve found it is better for me when I keep it simple. I look the other way. It comes in three degrees or categories: physical, mental, and spiritual.

Physically looking the other way is the easiest to start practicing but hardest to keep doing correctly. Addicts have excellent radar for seeing things that will tempt them and bring them enjoyment. We’ve been doing it for years and know when something comes up whether or not to turn our head or keep an eye out. What I propose is when that pops on your radar is you purposefully and physically turn your head the other way. It feels a little weird at first but it works. Keep doing it and slowly it becomes a habit.

Mentally is much harder because our minds can move so quickly and so covertly that it’s hard to keep a handle on them. Just like in the physical example, if you feel your mind turning to something that will trigger it or start the steps in a pattern of addiction then you force your mind to look the other way. It helps to already have something to look to like a favorite scripture or poem or song. Plan ahead with what you will turn to mentally and have it ready for when, not if, you’ll need to look the other way at it.

Spiritually is perhaps hardest of all; however, I found that if you are working hard on the first two degrees or categories then it becomes easier to spiritually turn away. It is tied in closely to the mental category. Where our minds go so do our spirits, but we need to actively want our spirits to follow. I would also equate this with a change of heart or becoming a different person. To spiritually look the other way, I need to have chosen something good or righteous to focus on in place of unrighteous thoughts. Mentally we can count prime numbers or remember quotes from Shakespeare to distract our thoughts. Spiritually we need something uplifting to the soul to move us to a better spiritual plane.

Lastly, as is always true, it is important to surrender whatever it was we were looking away from and make sure it isn’t crammed down into our self-conscious to be used later. Surrender it to God and let Him take it from you so it is gone before it can do any harm.

It takes time, practice, and patience. Like anything worthwhile, it isn’t easy and expect to make mistakes and slip up. I still sometimes don’t look the other way as much as I should, but I just recognize it and recommit to trying even harder the next time. It sounds simplistic but by simple things are great things accomplished.

The Thing That Aspires To Be Crap!

In my earliest days of recovery, I can clearly remember the mornings. My eyes would open and again I would realize it hadn’t been a dream or nightmare but reality. My wife knew everything and so did my children. I didn’t feel like getting up and just rolling over but I couldn’t do that either or my wife would become suspicious I was doing something again.

In those days, I would share in group and talk about feeling not just like crap but “the thing that aspires to be crap.” It was to show how low and worthless I felt. The guilt and shame were heavy loads. I was still in the middle of Step 1 and admitting I needed help. Step 2 was Hope and what hope was there for me? How could this ever get better?

Addiction – A Chronic Condition

I’ve heard some people who have said, “I’m cured of my addiction to….” When I hear that, I just smile and nod. I congratulate them and keep my opinions to myself. My experience and my opinion though is that addiction to anything (porn, alcohol, drugs, etc.) is a chronic condition. This means it doesn’t go away but only goes into remission.

I am in remission from my addiction to porn, lying, etc. and have to continue to work at staying there. I feel it is very, very dangerous to think you are “healed” of the addiction and go on your merry way. This is a denial of the situation. You can change your habits, you can change your environment, and you can change your heart (with help) but you can’t change that you are and will always be an addict. To refuse to admit this is, in my opinion, akin to lying to yourself in a horrible way. It can lead to denial or justifications about other things and ultimately lead to acting out in a deeper or worse way than you did before.