Connecting – More Freedom Blog

Validate her and apologize for what you did in her dreams

Here are two things I have learned over the years that have helped my marriage a lot.

Validate her feelings

Often, I will expect my wife to change immediately instead of taking some time to change. So, sometimes, she might accuse me of something or get upset with me for something when I feel like I’m doing so much better than I was in the past. I have learned that validating her feelings about me instead of trying to defend myself makes such situations turn out a much better, and it’s actually a lot more honest.

The logic goes like this: My past actions trained her to distrust me, so it makes sense she doesn’t trust me now, regardless of my current guilt or innocence. In this case, I might say, “It makes sense that you feel that way now because of how I’ve acted in the past and how I’ve lied about it.” That’s hard to say, but it’s more accurate and builds a bridge of trust and awareness.

Asking, “What can I do to help you feel more safe,” is another great way to take some positive steps forward. I wish I were better at this one.

And because of all the Denial and Gaslighting I have done, a lot of the time, I’m wrong about the present, being blinded by my denial and shame. So, telling the truth about the past and validating my wife (and kids, coworkers, and everyone) sets a good stage to dig into the present with a little more humility and less defensiveness and denial.

The brains and hearts of our spouses, like those of everyone else, are often deeply affected by past injuries. In an effort to avoid further pain, they cling to unresolved hurts from the past, and harbor fears about present and future pain. Witnessing the ongoing impact of the harm I’ve caused — past, present, and future — can be overwhelming at times. Surrendering and actively participating in the program is the path toward healing.

Apologize for what I did in her dreams

Sometimes my wife will have a dream about me doing horrible things even when I feel like I’m doing good, and it feels like going back to the past again and getting punished all over again. This is a very similar situation. My past actions trained her not to trust me. That’s likely where her dreams came from. I’m not directly responsible for what I did in her dreams because that’s not me, but I am responsible for training her mind to think that way about me based on my actions in the past. So I can say, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things in the past that have hurt you and caused you not to trust me. That’s probably where this dream came from. What can I do to help you feel more safe?”

What Did You Learn?

Whenever I, or someone I’m talking to in recovery, goes through a rough time or acts out, I ask, “What did you learn?”

I got this idea from a near-death experience book where someone had compiled several of these stories and pulled out the commonalities. One of the things they all had in common was a point in their experience where they met someone full of love toward them, so powerful that they could feel it. That person showed them a review of their life. They paused at crucial moments in their life; the good, the bad, and the shameful. The people expected correction or condemnation for the bad parts. Instead, for every single event, the loving person asked, “What did you learn?” The people realized that each event was a carefully crafted lesson by their Creator to help them learn a lesson.

This concept blew me away and changed my perception of God. I’ve tried to do the same for myself and others. So, every time I have a hard time, or if I’m talking to others having hard times of any kind, I ask, “What did you learn?” It changes everything. Shame and self-hatred turn into curiosity and discovering ways to navigate life more effectively.

Often the learning is about how well I’m doing my dailies or how connected I am with others in significant ways. Frequently it’s about boundaries and making adjustments to them. It can also be about working the steps and getting unstuck. It lifts me back up and helps me get back on the path, but because of this new learning, it’s a better path for me or others I’m sponsoring or just others in the group or outside the group.

Connection with a spouse

Over the years in recovery with my spouse, we have had different levels of disclosure between us based on where each of us are in recovery and what we needed at the time. Sometimes we are just going along in recovery with no particular needs other than some basic transparency. Sometimes she needs to build trust with me. Sometimes, she’s overwhelmed and needs a break. I outline each kind of disclosure we have used over the years below. In each case, we discuss as a couple what we both want and need and are in agreement on which level of disclosure we both want.

Healthy Connections

Before recovery, almost all my connections with women were lustful and dysfunctional. When I got into recovery, I started disconnecting in those lustful ways from women – largely through surrendering lust and through avoiding people and places. A few years later, I started to feel a sadness about being isolated away from half of the people around me because of my fears and triggers. A counselor I was seeing at the time suggested that I try connecting in a healthy way by saying “hi” and getting to know people just as I would a man or someone I wasn’t triggered by. It is important that I point out that I could not do this earlier in my recovery or these attempted connections would have gone back to being lust-based.

Amazingly, when I said “hi,” the lust disappeared and the anxiety left me as well. To those to whom I couldn’t say “hi” or that it wouldn’t be appropriate to say “hi”, I would think about going up to them in my mind and tell them “I just objectified you and I’m sorry for that, I hope you have a good day today” without them saying anything back (in my mind) and that helped me as well. That felt a little strange to do, but it kept me honest and helped me be aware of what I was doing.

Again, I could not do this before a few years into physical sobriety from the addiction, but now I see that through positive healthy simple connections, I can have freedom from the anxiety and temptations that up to that point I just had to wait around for and then let go of when they came along. It takes a lot of time and complete honesty. Again, this progression took years and had to be taken in the right order and at the right time, but with each step, I found more freedom and happiness. Years of addiction had really messed me up and it takes a while for God (with my help) to untangle that mess. I don’t know if I’ll ever run out of things for God to untangle, but that’s OK, because at each stage, from the first moment I stepped into a recovery group, I have had more and more freedom, hope, happiness, and motivation to keep going.

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

For me, step 10 is just working steps 4 through 9 in my daily life. When I worked steps 4 through 9, I was just catching up to the present – taking inventory, sharing it, figuring out my defects, apologizing and making things right. I’ve done it for the past, and all that had built up was dragging me down. So now, I’ll keep my wreckage from building up over time by taking care of it in the moment instead of 30 years later.

Continue reading “Step 10”

Traveling and Unstructured Time

When my surroundings or schedules change – usually by traveling somewhere or during a holiday season or weekend – triggers get stronger. Some boundaries that are generally in place, like Internet filters or TV channel filters, may not be in place in my new surroundings. Idle time is deadly. I’ve heard people say that Christ chose His disciples when they were at work and that Satan chooses his disciples when they are idle.

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Supporting Recovery Through Phone Calls / Texts / Chats

It is helpful to get some phone numbers from people in the 12-step group that I can call or text throughout the week during triggers when I need a boost, and to build unity. Some groups have created group chats as well to serve as a mini instant meeting where people can connect and support each other.

Connecting in these ways also does other things. It increases my humility by admitting that I need help since the act of calling someone is an act of humility. It also defeats isolation. Isolation halts my progress. I need to connect with people instead of just being alone. It also, very importantly, destroys the shame I have around my addiction by helping me face the shame that keeps me in isolation. It also increases awareness of patterns that lead me to dangerous areas. Others can see where my blind spots are.

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Self-Care

Taking care of my spiritual, physical, social, and emotional needs has also been a huge part of recovery and enduring to the end for me. I must study the scriptures and pray and do other things that nourish and strengthen my spirit to be able to turn away from temptation more effectively. I must also take care of my body by getting enough sleep and healthy food at regular mealtimes. I must also stay connected with others and stop isolating. These needs are critical for me to fulfill the right way, so I don’t end up trying to fulfill them in the wrong ways. Spencer W. Kimball once spoke about the result of unmet needs:

“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual.” – Jesus: The Perfect Leader – Ensign Aug. 1979

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Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I spend time in meetings and connecting with other addicts (step 0), I find myself beginning to open up. This is because others are opening up, and nobody is judging them or hating them. They’re just understanding them and loving and respecting them. So I begin to develop a growing trust in the group. I open up about the truth of my situation. I’m not sharing graphic details of my addiction, just being vulnerable. Continue reading “Step 1”

Boundaries

Boundaries are like fences at the top of the cliff or like a cast around a broken arm. They keep me away from dangerous situations so I can heal by working the steps and recovery in a safe place. Boundaries and walls are used to protect something that’s precious. Sometimes I had trouble setting boundaries for myself because I didn’t think I had value.

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