Guilt – More Freedom Blog

The Thing That Aspires To Be Crap!

In my earliest days of recovery, I can clearly remember the mornings. My eyes would open and again I would realize it hadn’t been a dream or nightmare but reality. My wife knew everything and so did my children. I didn’t feel like getting up and just rolling over but I couldn’t do that either or my wife would become suspicious I was doing something again.

In those days, I would share in group and talk about feeling not just like crap but “the thing that aspires to be crap.” It was to show how low and worthless I felt. The guilt and shame were heavy loads. I was still in the middle of Step 1 and admitting I needed help. Step 2 was Hope and what hope was there for me? How could this ever get better?

Step 6

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I like to think of step 6 as a way for me to gather up a bunch of my underlying addictions (character defects) and figure out what each one of them is giving me that makes me want to keep holding onto it. I can’t really become ready to have them removed if I’m holding onto them for some reason.

So, I went through my 4th step and gathered up all of my own character defects from the experiences I had documented into one big list. Impatience, anger, grumpiness, hatred, pride, denial, yelling at my kids, shame, codependency, selfishness, etc. Then I wrote next to each one what it gives me. For example, denial gives me a false sense of righteousness and safety from consequences. Yelling at my kids gives me a sense of them being obedient and me being a good parent.

It seems that a lot of these have to do with impatience. I don’t want to wait to do things the hard way, the right way, the way that actually lasts. So I go for a quick and easy way that doesn’t work in the long run.

As I inventory all of these defects and realize that they give me stuff that’s temporary and just makes things worse, in the long run, it helps me to surrender them, let them go, and become willing to have God work with me to get rid of them. A lot of that work to get rid of them happens in step 10, but I have to want to let them go before we can work on getting rid of them.

I share the list of defects and what they give me with my sponsor and let him know whether I feel like I’m ready to let them all go or if I need more surrender first. Once I surrender them, I’m ready to move to step 7.

Step 5

Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

In my experience, it’s important to share my 4th step inventory with my sponsor first. This means someone who’s already been through their own 4th and 5th step and knows what it’s like to struggle with the addiction I struggle with. They are also someone who I don’t know outside of the group. This anonymity enables me to be fully open without fear of consequences. This helps me break through fear and denial to get absolutely everything out.

With that kind of person sitting in front of me as I get everything out in the open, it’s the most similar experience to sitting with Christ that I’ve experienced. Christ knows exactly how I feel and exactly how difficult this is. I feel guilty for what I’ve done, and I feel shame for who I think I am. The shame is a lie and is dispelled by bringing the shameful things into the light of the most Christlike person I can find – that’s my sponsor. Christlike in that he knows how I feel and what it’s like to be in my position and can embrace the shameful things because he’s already embraced his. It’s a powerful shame-destroying process to get all of these things into the light of another person who truly understands and to be accepted and respected by them. Rejection is what my shame promises, and acceptance destroys shame’s promises.

Continue reading “Step 5”