Tag: Honesty

Surrender Before Sleep

I have learned to take a few minutes before bedtime and think back on the day to see if any triggering memories from the day pop up.  I have learned that if anything pops up, I didn’t really let go of it during the day and so I have to let go of the thought or visual again and again until it stops coming back to my mind.  See the Step 3 and Surrender articles for more detail around how to let things go, or surrender them.

When I do this, I have a purer sobriety and am much more lust free, and the lustful dreams don’t happen. Again, I don’t know how this works but it does.  I talked to someone who was at an earlier stage of recovery who had tried this and they said that unless they were in a good place spiritually, thinking back on the day would bring up things that they were unable to let go of and it ended up making things worse. Through that experience, I have learned that I must be in a good spiritual place and must be able and willing to surrender my lust before I can use this technique successfully.

Supporting Recovery Through Phone Calls / Texts / Chats

It is helpful to get some phone numbers from people in the 12-step group that I can call or text throughout the week during triggers when I need a boost, and to build unity.  Some groups have created group chats as well to serve as a mini instant meeting where people can connect and support each other.

Connecting in these ways also does other things. It increases my humility by admitting that I need help since the act of calling someone is an act of humility. It also defeats isolation. Isolation halts my progress.  I need to connect with people instead of just being alone.  It also, very importantly, destroys the shame I have around my addiction by helping me face the shame that keeps me in isolation.  It also increases awareness of patterns that lead me to dangerous areas.  Others can see where my blind spots are.

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Self-Care

Taking care of my spiritual, physical, social, and emotional needs has also been a huge part of recovery and enduring to the end for me.  I must study the scriptures and pray and do other things that nourish and strengthen my spirit to be able to turn away from temptation more effectively.  I must also take care of my body by getting enough sleep and healthy food at regular mealtimes.  I must also stay connected with others and stop isolating.  These needs are critical for me to fulfill the right way, so I don’t end up trying to fulfill them in the wrong ways.  Spencer W. Kimball once spoke about the result of unmet needs:

“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual.” – Jesus: The Perfect Leader – Ensign Aug. 1979

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Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I spend time in meetings and connecting with other addicts (step 0), I find myself beginning to open up. This is because others are opening up, and nobody is judging them or hating them. They’re just understanding them and loving and respecting them. So I begin to develop a growing trust in the group. I open up about the truth of my situation. I’m not sharing graphic details of my addiction, just being vulnerable. Continue reading “Step 1”

Denial and Gaslighting

In my addiction and in recovery, I had a lot of shame and isolation around what I was thinking and doing.  This shame caused me to hide the truth about my thoughts and actions from others (wife, God, etc.) and, more importantly, from myself.  I couldn’t stand the fact that I was engaging in my addictions, and so I started subtly lying to myself.  This is where denial came in.  Before we go any further, let’s define some terms:

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Drama Triangle

One of the relationship dynamics that I learned about in counseling is the drama triangle.  I get into the drama triangle when I start playing one of three roles in my relationships with others or myself: the persecutor, the victim, or the rescuer.  I use these roles to manipulate and coerce myself or others to get what I want.

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Impeccable Honesty

If I can’t be honest, I can’t heal or progress. If I can’t share exactly where I am, not just with the group, but more importantly with myself, how can I see what really needs to happen for me to progress? I lie (or rationalize, minimize, omit details, intellectualize, etc.) to myself and others because of shame. Ironically, being honest against the fear of shame in the safety of the group helps my shame disappear. I can share where I’m at (without graphic details) and what I am struggling with or am having success with and people start nodding their heads in understanding instead of running from the room in horror! No shame there. I can then learn to stop shaming myself and can then become impeccably honest. Then Christ can heal me.

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The Bandage

A certain man got wounded and he didn’t know how to take care of the wound. He did not clean it out, apply ointment, or put a bandage over the wound to protect it. After a while, the wound got infected. It was painful and wasn’t very pleasant to look at and so he put a bandage over it. That kept things from bumping into it and kept it from being so unpleasant to look at. This worked for a brief time. After a while, the bandage started to leak and the pain got worse so the man put another bandage on the one that was already there. It worked last time, so it might just work again. After all, it would be too painful to pull off the bandages and clean it out. This continued until the pain and mess became unmanageable. The only option was to pull off each bandage and then clean out the wound, apply ointment, and then put a bandage over the now cleaned wound so that it could heal properly.

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The 12 Steps – An Overview

I realized that the core of 12-Step programs aligned with something familiar to me from my religious upbringing—a higher power helping me become a better person. This higher power encompassed faith, self-reflection, personal growth, and support from others. Although I had encountered similar ideas in my spiritual journey, I questioned the importance of revisiting them within the context of 12-Step programs. Previous knowledge alone hadn’t freed me from addiction, so why would exploring these principles again in the context of the 12 steps make any difference? However, I’ve found an answer, and I want to share it with you.

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