Love – More Freedom Blog

Why Recover?

Some big questions you probably have as you’ve spent time on this blog are:

“Why Recover?”

“Is pornography even that big of a deal?”
“Why am I reading this blog when I could be getting high on my lust drug?”

The big answers are: It is a big deal! It is a dangerous and harmful drug! It is an addiction, and this is why you should seek recovery. It is almost impossible to stop this destructive habit unless you get serious help.

Pornography is addictive. I know, I was there. I was so addicted that I would make up excuses to go on business trips just so I could act out. I committed to myself over and over and over again that I would quit watching that stuff, and I continued to break that commitment over and over and over again. I would lie and hide. Despite being active in my church, despite being a husband and a father, despite knowing it was bad for me—I could not quit on my own in secret.

Pornography is a lie. It’s 100% lust and 0% love. It’s as unhealthy as cocaine, arguably worse. It drives disconnection and ruins self-esteem. Clicking “views,” even on free sites, feeds a multi-billion-dollar industry that abuses women, victimizes children, and treats all humans like objects. It is a slave industry where sadly, many of the participants and purchasers are willing slaves. Pornography “kills” us. It nearly killed me, my wife, and my marriage.

Pornography is a trap. If you are reading this post, it is likely because you feel something, something way deep down that tells you, “Yes, this is right. I have a problem, I’m in a trap”. Perhaps you are thinking you only have a “small problem” and that at least you are not acting out with real people. I used to think that as well. From where you are, it’s hard to realize that you are in a deadly trap and that you DO have an addiction.

Pornography is evil, morally wrong, and degrading to society. When I would view pornography in my past, I remember looking for the “good stuff.” What that really meant is that I was looking for something that would take me beyond the bounds of what I had already seen and would stimulate my brain in a way that it hadn’t before. I was slowly sliding deeper and deeper, darker and darker. The “good stuff” was actually extremely dark, very unreal, and nothing else can describe it but “horribly bad stuff.” Pornography makes us think good is bad, and bad is good.

Please get help. Get help now! Continue reading more of the excellent posts in the More Freedom Blog. Scrape together even a spark of desire to break free from this trap, and you will find it, step by step. I PROMISE you will feel more fulfillment, true love, connection, peace, happiness, and joy in your life without pornography! Recovery is the answer! I know, I am experiencing it.

Marriage Doesn’t Cure This

I once thought that lust was just a normal appetite and, therefore, once I got married, the addiction would be satisfied and go away. I learned, mainly through the experience of others I have met in the 12-Step groups, that this is a false assumption. Most addicts I have talked to end up returning to these addictions within a few weeks or months of getting married.

Self-Respect and Love

For this topic, I offer an analogy that played out in my heart that had a profound effect on me.

Before I got into recovery, I met Christ at the door of my house. I told Him that He didn’t need to come in – I made the mess, I would clean it up, and someday my house would be clean enough for Him to come in without judging me and thinking I was stupid, slothful, and filthy. I sent Him away empty-handed.

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Lust and Self-Awareness

I found that the sexual part of these addictions starts with lustful thoughts that I was completely unaware I was entertaining – hours, days, weeks, or even months before any physical manifestations of addiction. As I started going to the meetings and working the steps to start working on myself from the inside out, I then started becoming more aware of how much I was lusting after people each day. As I become more and more conscious of it (I never knew how much I was looking and lusting before I came into the program), I try to let go of it at the earliest stage possible – when it’s easier to let go of it. It’s kind of like the easiness of pulling out a new weed compared with the difficulty of pulling out a weed that has been growing all summer long. My capacity to turn away from the temptation to lust is directly proportional to the strength of the faith and self-awareness that I build in these 12-step meetings.

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The Wigs

I had a dream about a friend of mine. She was wearing a wig. After a while, she got an ashamed look on her face and took off the wig. There was another wig underneath it. The same process then happened over and over, each time she removed another wig, each time she got slower and more ashamed as she kept taking the wigs off. Eventually, she got to the point where she got to the last wig. It took her a while to get the courage to take that wig off. When she did, she had the most horrible look on her face as she took that wig off and revealed a badly scarred scalp with patches of ugly hair on it. She was so ashamed of it. I woke up but then received the last part of the dream in my mind. She didn’t know it, but that scarred layer was just another wig and if she had removed it, she would have seen her amazing hair underneath it.

Continue reading “The Wigs”