Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
There are many resources that go over step 4, including my favorite treatment of the topic by the infamous AA legends, Joe & Charlie, who have multiple mp3’s about step 4 and overcoming resentment. So I’m just going to share my own experiences I’ve had in my own inventory and the inventory of those I’ve sponsored. Continue reading “Step 4”
When my surroundings or schedules change – usually by traveling somewhere or during a holiday season or weekend – triggers get stronger. Some boundaries that are generally in place, like Internet filters or TV channel filters, may not be in place in my new surroundings. Idle time is deadly. I’ve heard people say that Christ chose His disciples when they were at work and that Satan chooses his disciples when they are idle.
When I entered the program, I acted out almost daily. As I progressed, I would act out weekly, every two weeks, every month, etc. It seems to me as though I have some sort of capacity to hold lust within me – I’ll call it a lust balloon. Once I have filled this balloon with lust, I feel compelled to resort to my addiction by acting out my addictions physically.
I have learned to take a few minutes before bedtime and think back on the day to see if any triggering memories from the day pop up. I have learned that if anything pops up, I didn’t really let go of it during the day and so I have to let go of the thought or visual again and again until it stops coming back to my mind. See the Step 3 and Surrender articles for more detail around how to let things go, or surrender them.
When I do this, I have a purer sobriety and am much more lust free, and the lustful dreams don’t happen. Again, I don’t know how this works but it does. I talked to someone who was at an earlier stage of recovery who had tried this and they said that unless they were in a good place spiritually, thinking back on the day would bring up things that they were unable to let go of and it ended up making things worse. Through that experience, I have learned that I must be in a good spiritual place and must be able and willing to surrender my lust before I can use this technique successfully.
One other area that was troublesome to me was lustful dreams. I had heard that I am not responsible for my dreams and sometimes I would look forward to them just to relieve the pressure of my lust. I never felt good about that though.
Over time, I found that lustful dreams went away completely as I stopped stuffing myself with lust all day long. As I learned to let go of lust and stop letting it into me throughout the day, I could go for years without any sexual dreams at all – nor did I want them or need them for relief. The pressure went away once lust went away.
Surrender is a word that is used a lot in 12-step meetings. They talk about surrendering our lives and wills to God in Step 3, for example. Here’s an analogy that has helped me to understand how surrender works. It has a lot to do with admitting the truth about my situation and letting someone who really knows what they’re doing be in charge.
Recently, I changed the location of the trashcan in my cubicle at work from my right side to my left side. It had been on the right side for several years. After switching it to the other side, I spent a lot of my time turning to the right to throw away the trash, realizing in frustration that the trashcan was no longer there and then turning to my left to finally throw the trash away. With time and patience, I started catching myself earlier on and only started thinking about turning to the right and finally, I now just turn to the left by habit.
Not only did I need to reprogram how I thought about women and other triggers, but I had to reprogram my deeper thoughts about being worthless, needing to be perfect to be loved, etc. I found that reading a list of positive truthful statements daily helped me to do this. Over time, I found out what lies I was believing from Satan and reversed them. For example, one lie he told me was that “I have to be perfect to be loved or helped by God”. I reversed that to say “God will help and love me when I’m imperfect”. There are many more statements I read each day. Something about saying those things over and over gets me to believe in them more each day. I get the negative versions whispered to me every waking moment so I deserve to have someone (myself) tell me the truth instead.
Abstinance from any addiction also improves how my brain works. Recent studies have shown how the frontol lobes shrink when people engage in addictions of any kind. The “natural” addictions (food and sex) affect the brain more and the other addictions (alcohol, meth, cocaine, etc.) also affect it in similar ways, just a little less. The frontal lobes are the brakes for my brain that make me think through to consequences for actions. Addictions also cause me to have fewer pleasure receptors in my brain as my brain tries to seek equilibrium. This makes normal life more miserable and the addiction becomes my new normal. All of this keeps me in the addiction. These studies also show that with abstinance from these addictions, my brain heals and goes back to normal over 1-2 years.
It is helpful to get some phone numbers from people in the 12-step group that I can call or text throughout the week during triggers when I need a boost, and to build unity. Some groups have created group chats as well to serve as a mini instant meeting where people can connect and support each other.
Connecting in these ways also does other things. It increases my humility by admitting that I need help since the act of calling someone is an act of humility. It also defeats isolation. Isolation halts my progress. I need to connect with people instead of just being alone. It also, very importantly, destroys the shame I have around my addiction by helping me face the shame that keeps me in isolation. It also increases awareness of patterns that lead me to dangerous areas. Others can see where my blind spots are.
Continue reading “Supporting Recovery Through Phone Calls / Texts / Chats”
Taking care of my spiritual, physical, social, and emotional needs has also been a huge part of recovery and enduring to the end for me. I must study the scriptures and pray and do other things that nourish and strengthen my spirit to be able to turn away from temptation more effectively. I must also take care of my body by getting enough sleep and healthy food at regular mealtimes. I must also stay connected with others and stop isolating. These needs are critical for me to fulfill the right way, so I don’t end up trying to fulfill them in the wrong ways. Spencer W. Kimball once spoke about the result of unmet needs:
“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual.” – Jesus: The Perfect Leader – Ensign Aug. 1979
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