Self-care

What Did You Learn?

Whenever I, or someone I’m talking to in recovery, goes through a rough time or acts out, I ask, “What did you learn?”

I got this idea from a near-death experience book where someone had compiled several of these stories and pulled out the commonalities. One of the things they all had in common was a point in their experience where they met someone full of love toward them, so powerful that they could feel it. That person showed them a review of their life. They paused at crucial moments in their life; the good, the bad, and the shameful. The people expected correction or condemnation for the bad parts. Instead, for every single event, the loving person asked, “What did you learn?” The people realized that each event was a carefully crafted lesson by their Creator to help them learn a lesson.

This concept blew me away and changed my perception of God. I’ve tried to do the same for myself and others. So, every time I have a hard time, or if I’m talking to others having hard times of any kind, I ask, “What did you learn?” It changes everything. Shame and self-hatred turn into curiosity and discovering ways to navigate life more effectively.

Often the learning is about how well I’m doing my dailies or how connected I am with others in significant ways. Frequently it’s about boundaries and making adjustments to them. It can also be about working the steps and getting unstuck. It lifts me back up and helps me get back on the path, but because of this new learning, it’s a better path for me or others I’m sponsoring or just others in the group or outside the group.

Taking care of my spiritual, physical, social, and emotional needs has also been a huge part of recovery and enduring to the end for me. I must study the scriptures and pray and do other things that nourish and strengthen my spirit to be able to turn away from temptation more effectively. I must also take care of my body by getting enough sleep and healthy food at regular mealtimes. I must also stay connected with others and stop isolating. These needs are critical for me to fulfill the right way, so I don’t end up trying to fulfill them in the wrong ways. Spencer W. Kimball once spoke about the result of unmet needs:

“Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual.” – Jesus: The Perfect Leader – Ensign Aug. 1979

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Dailies

Dailies are things I do each day to strengthen myself like prayer, scripture study, recovery work (the steps), connecting with my sponsor, etc.

Dailies take care of my needs through self-care. Physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual needs. Taking care of these needs is like eating good food. If I eat good food, I don’t think about dumpster diving for food. If I’m starving, the dumpsters start looking good.

When I relapse, one of the things I look at is how my dailies have been recently. If they’ve been lacking, I recommit to them.