I found over time that I started to have more self-confidence, not just with being able to choose what’s right regarding the addiction, but in standing up for myself. It’s strange but it seems that since I was so riddled with guilt and shame all these years, I felt like I deserved anything that anyone did to me that was mean or abusive. I felt I had earned it. I was beating myself up so much that I welcomed it when others did the same – hey I deserved it, right. It was like it was my punishment for doing so much wrong.
Once I stopped beating myself up so much, I started being offended when others would beat me up and I would stand up for myself. It was scary at first and I had feelings of hypocrisy and unworthiness, but each time I did it, it got easier. Another thing I realized was that there was a wrong way to stand up for myself (which was to be mean back to the person) and a right way (simply stating how I felt when the person did what they did and if needed, distance myself from them without resentment or hatred).
I also found out that this inability to stand up for myself also extended into the realm of having and expressing opinions. Where do I want to eat? Anywhere is fine. What is my favorite X? I am not sure. It’s as though my opinions and desires were invalid. Perhaps because some of my desires had hurt me so badly that I didn’t want to have any desires any more. I’m starting to have opinions and desires and am starting to be able to express them too.
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