Shame – More Freedom Blog

A Lifetime of Addictions

My addiction to pornography, lust, and masturbation started when I was about 12 years old. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, so I continued to use these things to escape from depression and loneliness (though I didn’t know it at the time) and to cover up the things I didn’t like feeling. Around age 16, I started drinking alcohol with my friends as well.

I graduated high school and left home to go to college 600 miles away. Free at last! I partied with my new-found friends. My sexual addictions were always there in their various forms, but I kept them very private because I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself and others. They progressed to sex with others, strip clubs and more. It seemed there was no limit to where I would allow my addictions to take me. I isolated from friends at church and eventually stopped going to church completely. I was often around large groups of people, but I felt completely alone. I was nearing rock bottom and would consistently use lust and alcohol to numb my pains and escape from the realities of life.

The Thing That Aspires To Be Crap!

In my earliest days of recovery, I can clearly remember the mornings. My eyes would open and again I would realize it hadn’t been a dream or nightmare but reality. My wife knew everything and so did my children. I didn’t feel like getting up and just rolling over but I couldn’t do that either or my wife would become suspicious I was doing something again.

In those days, I would share in group and talk about feeling not just like crap but “the thing that aspires to be crap.” It was to show how low and worthless I felt. The guilt and shame were heavy loads. I was still in the middle of Step 1 and admitting I needed help. Step 2 was Hope and what hope was there for me? How could this ever get better?

Step 9

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is definitely one of the most rewarding steps. It’s scary, but the more fear and shame I face, it seems the larger the treasure I find behind that fear. This was also the first step that I saw God’s hand physically and objectively reaching down from Heaven and touching my world in ways that I can’t deny.

Continue reading “Step 9”

Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The first time I worked step 8, I did it alone. Maybe because of my pride, fear, or shame. It didn’t go well, because I bring all of my character defects with me into that list and I need another set of eyes on the list – my sponsor’s eyes – so that I can see clearly enough to make a good list. This step is extremely important. It can show me many levels of my dysfunction and help me make my relationships more healthy going forward, in addition to fixing relationships from the past.

Continue reading “Step 8”

Step 6

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I like to think of step 6 as a way for me to gather up a bunch of my underlying addictions (character defects) and figure out what each one of them is giving me that makes me want to keep holding onto it. I can’t really become ready to have them removed if I’m holding onto them for some reason.

So, I went through my 4th step and gathered up all of my own character defects from the experiences I had documented into one big list. Impatience, anger, grumpiness, hatred, pride, denial, yelling at my kids, shame, codependency, selfishness, etc. Then I wrote next to each one what it gives me. For example, denial gives me a false sense of righteousness and safety from consequences. Yelling at my kids gives me a sense of them being obedient and me being a good parent.

It seems that a lot of these have to do with impatience. I don’t want to wait to do things the hard way, the right way, the way that actually lasts. So I go for a quick and easy way that doesn’t work in the long run.

As I inventory all of these defects and realize that they give me stuff that’s temporary and just makes things worse, in the long run, it helps me to surrender them, let them go, and become willing to have God work with me to get rid of them. A lot of that work to get rid of them happens in step 10, but I have to want to let them go before we can work on getting rid of them.

I share the list of defects and what they give me with my sponsor and let him know whether I feel like I’m ready to let them all go or if I need more surrender first. Once I surrender them, I’m ready to move to step 7.

Step 5

Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

In my experience, it’s important to share my 4th step inventory with my sponsor first. This means someone who’s already been through their own 4th and 5th step and knows what it’s like to struggle with the addiction I struggle with. They are also someone who I don’t know outside of the group. This anonymity enables me to be fully open without fear of consequences. This helps me break through fear and denial to get absolutely everything out.

With that kind of person sitting in front of me as I get everything out in the open, it’s the most similar experience to sitting with Christ that I’ve experienced. Christ knows exactly how I feel and exactly how difficult this is. I feel guilty for what I’ve done, and I feel shame for who I think I am. The shame is a lie and is dispelled by bringing the shameful things into the light of the most Christlike person I can find – that’s my sponsor. Christlike in that he knows how I feel and what it’s like to be in my position and can embrace the shameful things because he’s already embraced his. It’s a powerful shame-destroying process to get all of these things into the light of another person who truly understands and to be accepted and respected by them. Rejection is what my shame promises, and acceptance destroys shame’s promises.

Continue reading “Step 5”

Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

There are many resources that go over step 4, including my favorite treatment of the topic by the infamous AA legends, Joe & Charlie, who have multiple mp3’s about step 4 and overcoming resentment. So I’m just going to share my own experiences I’ve had in my own inventory and the inventory of those I’ve sponsored. Continue reading “Step 4”

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I spend time in meetings and connecting with other addicts (step 0), I find myself beginning to open up. This is because others are opening up, and nobody is judging them or hating them. They’re just understanding them and loving and respecting them. So I begin to develop a growing trust in the group. I open up about the truth of my situation. I’m not sharing graphic details of my addiction, just being vulnerable. Continue reading “Step 1”

Denial and Gaslighting

In my addiction and in recovery, I had a lot of shame and isolation around what I was thinking and doing. This shame caused me to hide the truth about my thoughts and actions from others (wife, God, etc.) and, more importantly, from myself. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was engaging in my addictions, and so I started subtly lying to myself. This is where denial came in. Before we go any further, let’s define some terms:

Continue reading “Denial and Gaslighting”

Drama Triangle

One of the relationship dynamics that I learned about in counseling is the drama triangle. I get into the drama triangle when I start playing one of three roles in my relationships with others or myself: the persecutor, the victim, or the rescuer. I use these roles to manipulate and coerce myself or others to get what I want.

Continue reading “Drama Triangle”