The Lies That Are Hidden In My Anger and Resentment

I can’t remember where I learned this, but it’s been extremely helpful to me and others in addiction recovery. A lot of it probably came from the ideas that Joe and Charlie cover in their step 4 mp3’s (there are 7-8 mp3’s there, I linked just to the first one), which I highly recommend. They discuss resentment and how we tend to use resentment to cover our own defects by focusing on others’ defects.

So the idea of lies being hidden in my anger and resentment is something I look at and ask people I sponsor about. If they are angry at someone or something, I ask them, “What’s the lie hidden in that anger?” Sometimes the lies are several layers deep. Some examples are probably the best way to learn how to do this. You might notice a hint of drama triangle in these – anger is often present as I play the role of persecutor.

Example one

Someone who I sponsor who is in his late 20’s once said, “I’m mad at my mother because she makes me help her with her college homework.” I asked him what the lie was in his anger. He said something like “The lie is that I must help her and I really don’t have to.” I asked if there was a deeper lie. As we discussed it for a while, we figured out that the anger was really at himself for still living with his mom and not moving out and being independent. Once the deepest lie is uncovered, we had to figure out if it was something to surrender and leave alone or do something about. He decided it was something he needed to take action on and has since moved out.

Example two

That same sponsee was angry at his brother for coming home drunk all the time. I asked what the lie in his anger was. One lie he brought up was that his brother has his agency and can do what he wants. Another lie was that he is responsible for his brother. Another was that he was responsible for protecting his mother. These two lies uncovered some codependency, which is good. But after further discussion, we found that the anger was actually hiding anger at himself for not standing up and setting healthy boundaries with his brother and enforcing those boundaries out of self-respect and love. Once he found the deepest lie that redirected his self-anger out toward his brother, he was able to decide whether to surrender it or act on it.

Example three

I was mad at a few different companies for putting billboards up with immodesty on them. The first lie I told myself was that the problem was with the billboard, not me. The truth was that the problem isn’t on the billboard, it’s within me. God sees that billboard and isn’t triggered by it. He might be sad about it, but He’s not lusting and triggered by it. I was angry that I was triggered by it and angry that I needed to surrender it and check in with others about it. So I then needed to figure out if it was something I just needed to surrender or if I needed to act on it. Depending on the situation, this could go either way. I decided, for my specific situation, to contact the companies and complain about them. One argued back and didn’t change anything. The other company actually changed the billboard by putting a life jacket on the woman in the ad! I go to that restaurant all the time now. 🙂 All the other billboards I’ve passed, I’ve just surrendered them instead of contacting them. It really must be done on a case-by-case basis as well as being rooted in where I’m at in my own recovery.

When I do choose to stand up, I try to stand up in the best way possible, but I can’t stand on top of lies. I have to find the truth first and then stand up in the best way possible based on that truth, or let it go fully. If I hold onto it and do nothing about it, I remain in anger and resentment forever. I’ve found that earlier in recovery, I was really bad at standing up in the right way. I stood up out of anger toward the “offender” instead of out of love and respect for the “offended.” So I usually had to just surrender things and not stand up in the beginning until I got really good at surrendering things. Then I could start taking action in love, respect, and peace.

Lies and Compulsion, Truth and Freedom

To take the idea of lies being hidden inside of anger to an even more generic level, it seems that lies are at the root of all of my compulsive behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. If that’s true, then it makes sense that truth would be at the root of my freedom and ability to make choices without compulsion. This seems true to me. As I have embraced the truth about my dependence on a higher power, it has freed me up to be able to make choices again. The lies in my fantasies make me a prisoner of that fantasy as I escape the fearful harsh realities of life. I’ll probably add more examples here soon.